And then there was pain...

Hellooo...
For those who were disillisioned by the last post (that includes me, btw)... closure means closure. Closure does not mean No Pain.

Ok... I know this blog has become total mush. I'm not a complete mush person but bear with me for maybe 2 more posts... and then we'll start talking about Real Serious Topics. Until then... Ye Romantics, have a field day...

After I spoke to him, he was due to leave the country for career advancement ( a.k.a. looking for another job :).

I think the flight was at 9:00 pm. I don't know because I couldn't speak to him. It's a funny feeling. To know he's leaving... left... and not be able to say bye. I'd been trying to reach him since Saturday. And he was supposed to leave on Thursday. I dont know if they have Caller ID. I hope to God they don't. Because if they do - either he saw my number and didn't pick it up. Or they'll see how one person can call so many times in so many days. Either way - it's bad news for me.

And then the irony? I get through at 3:00 pm after he's left. I mean, whoever said movies aren't made from real life?

I'm happy too because of other things that have happened in my life. And also so sad I don't know what to do , cos he's left. Can you be sad and happy at the same time for different reasons? I guess not. One of the reasons will have to overpower the other. Am I sadder or happier? I think, now, I'm sadder than happier.

Man, you're really asking for it when you start loving a guy. Really asking for it.
Asking for pain. Rejection. Hurt. Happiness. Comfort. And finally getting pretty much nothing. Except that all you want to do is ask a little better. Maybe plead, maybe beg. Because at the end of it, you still just love the guy.

"Bye, A.M. You're leaving the city. The country. The continent. Please don't walk out of my life. Be whoever you want to be in my life. A friend. An acquaintance. A lover. A hope. Just don't not be there.

Bye, my A.M. I've been missing you. I'm just going to miss you a whole lot more. Bye. "

And so, in the final analysis, while you've accepted it in your head, the trickle down effect to the heart? mind? (wherever all this happens), takes some time. And until then... there's just pain.

So, while we're getting there... we're not there yet. I'm still dreaming about "Hello... you complete me" Tom Cruise etc etc... "You had me at Hello..." Renee Zellweger...etc etc...

You know. Mush (Sob).

He talked to me!!

For Anyone who has been following this blog... I TALKED TO A.M.
I MET HIM AND TALKED TO HIM!!!!!

And he's ok. Just the same as before... like the old times when we used to talk. Yeah, like that. He was not angry. He was not indifferent. He was just himself. And I am SO RELIEVED I could cry.
Which incidentally I did (out of happiness).

So even though 'we' aren't happening - that's ok. The world has fallen back into orbit now. You know what it feels like - 'God's in His Heaven and all's right with the world'.

Sigh. Peace is with me. Thank you.

Which part of it is difficult?

You know, at my age, one really wants to get married. Wants a home, a family (even if it's only one other person) and arms to walk into.

But. Oh... and that's a big but.

But WHY must it be so difficult?

Let me give you the background. I just went through that torturous process called a 'meeting'. Oh, you know. The guy, the mother, the sister, the me. Phew. It's like being in the hot seat. Only much much worse. And this was a unique meeting. The guy wasn't even THERE!!

I haven't reached the nice part yet. So this is a guy I've never seen (except 2 photographs - that could've been morphed from Micheal Jackson, for all I know), his mom, his sister, her husband and their kid. And they come to 'see' me. So they 'see' me. Hardly talk. General awkwardness going on.

Usually in situations like that, I take control and lead the conversation. But oh no... tsk tsk... girls are supposed to be seen and not heard.
So I thought 'Why in all goodness name, should I put myself out there?'. I kept quiet too. (Must drink my Sprite slowly or I wont have anything to do with my hands... why can't that kid drink his coffee himself?? ... Oh... let me die!! ..... Don't they want to know anything about me? I could be a psychopath for all they know... he he he... groan... )

Finally, they left. AND... oh... this is the best part.
They think the marriage is fixed!! We just need to fix the date etc. etc. ... He's coming in December right? (from wherever he was deported to.)

He-LLOW? Erm... possibly you forget that I'm part of this?
That maybe, just maybe, I'd like to have a say in the matter.
And probably, you know, cos it's done by some people.... I could MEET THE GUY!!!

Sheesh. Why do I get myself into such situations?

And all through, I'm thinking, I will kill you, A.M, you couldnt decently have said yes to me.

So that's the part that's difficult. What ever happened to falling in love, whirlwind romances, Pretty Woman and Notting Hill?

SIGH. Still looking for those arms to walk into.

Reacting to It

Ok... so I said I have So much to say.
Well, I do.

Funny that I should start my active blogging on this note... but I believe that 'You dont write because you have to say something, you write because you have something to say' (sounds like something out of a Book of Quotes? Well, ok. It is :) .

More seriously, ahem, onto the topic at hand.

When I met A.M., I was going through a time of intense confusion.

But let’s go back in time to understand the situation. I was… am a 24 year old girl working in Bangalore. I was enjoying my independence.
I was also 24 years old. A time when, it’s time for a girl to get married. I wasn’t particularly worried about it but my parents were. So I’d been meeting guys through parentally arranged meetings (after a short listing of profiles). The problem was - I couldn’t relate to them. I couldn’t talk to them. I couldn’t marry them. And I said so. So it was no after no after no.

Did I want to get married? Oh yeah. To the right guy and in the right way. I still wanted to fall in love. I still wanted my Love Story.

Which brings me back to A.M.. We met on the bus. Was it love at first sight? Absolutely not. We talked and talked. And talked. He was everything I was looking for in a guy. He was mature. He was sensible. He had a sense of humour. He could sing. And I could be me with him. He could handle me (ok, perverts, Time-Out.)

We met over coffee several times. We talked. I met his friends. We talked some more. And something like friendship started growing. For his graduation, I bought him a tie. A whole episode in itself. Should I? Shouldn’t I ? Will he think I’m in love with him? Am I in love with him? What will his friends think? Will a red one be sending any wrong messages? Is a tie too personal? Phew, you’d think I was buying him.

And then my birthday conveniently came along. Now there aren’t too many things I hope for on my birthday. Sure, the main things like a cake, a few calls. But at every birthday, I ask for just one thing. The one Defining Moment of that b’day that makes me smile like I will never stop. And usually I know exactly who I want it to come from. And this time, I wanted it from him. I waited and waited and waited. And then in the night, he called me. And we talked. Oh… like old times. And when I asked him, he sang a song for me.
And I got my Defining Moment. SIGH.

I wish the story ended there. It doesn’t.

I fell for the guy. Badly.

I decided that I needed to ask him if he loved me like I loved him. Because he hadn’t said anything specific till then. And I needed to know. If it was a no, that would hurt, but it would be better than the uncertainty I was going through. So over 3 days, I wrote a letter. (Redrafted and then some!) Met him in the evening and gave it to him. I was SO scared, I thought I would pass out. When they say fear paralyzes, I can vouch for it.

I gave him the letter and went home. I was dying a slow death. I was tensed and relieved and scared and worried. And all these feelings running at different levels of high. I had mentioned in the letter that I would be really worried, so PLEASE call as soon as you finish reading. But he didn’t call. Not that day, not the next. By evening, I was getting bugged. Say No. I don’t care, man, just SAY SOMETHING.

Finally I sent him a message. And then, then, he was kind enough to spend 1 and ½ seconds to send a reply. He had taken offence about something I had said in the letter. And then “The answer to your question is no”.

That’s it. No reasons. No other words. Just that. The anger, the hurt, the pain, the indignation just rose up and drowned me. I didn’t know whether to be really angry at the way I’d been treated, very hurt at losing him or just plain hopeless. I crawled into bed and howled into my pillow.

Man, it hurt.

It hurt that he said no. But what really hurt was that he didn’t care. He could have spoken to me. He could have said, ‘Hey, I don’t think it’s working out and this is why’. I wasn’t asking for much more than that. Whenever anyone has offered love to me, I have ensured that I have put them out of their worry and been nice to them. It takes guts to declare your love for someone and put yourself up for rejection. The least one can do is be kind.

All I could think of was the way he had handled it. I probably didn’t write the best letter. But I did it the best way I knew. I was prepared for negativity but I wasn’t prepared to pick the pieces of love offered off the floor. He didn’t have to throw it away like that.

It hurt that the one guy I really thought I could make it with didn’t give a rat’s ass if I lived or died.

And that’s why it hurt.

And now, I'm past it. But I'm still trying to understand 'what exactly happened back there?'
Someone who I thought I knew, suddenly becomes this non-talking, un-understandable, totally indifferent person who I (like the total idiot I am) still continue to like.

Beats me.
Do tell if any of you can figure it out.

Gestation Period = 1 year

You'd think when someone starts a blog, one's just dying to write.
Not so.
You gotta give it time. And I did... so now it's over a year since I opened my blog, and then promptly forgot about it.

I opened it today... and I have 655 Profile Views and 2 whole comments!! I was touched (sniff).

And now I have things to say. So many things to say.

Here, at Rosie's, we don't live. We LIVE.

The Reason to BE

Ok... gotta be frank... the reason I started this blog is to be able to post comments for Sidin...
Am a HUGE fan...
Ok... rest later... shouldnt overdo it...
Rose.